Oh boy, I am spiraling. I think we all are.
When I was (for good reason) forced to leave what should’ve been my home in Milan for three more months, I was pissed. I was sad. My world was crashing down, but at least it was just mine – not the whole actual freaking world. It’s been three weeks since I evacuated but has felt like a lifetime.
In some ways, I would say I have moved on from the whole study abroad thing. They say it takes half the amount of time you’re in a relationship with someone to fully get over it. Well my relationship with Milan was a little toxic at times… I mean, it’s really freaking hard to live in a city where you don’t speak the language or understand the culture. Things go wrong…often. So focusing on the sense of ease here in my home country made the pain go away sooner. After two weeks in self-quarantine at my parents’, I was good or at least better.
My quarantine was up on the 15th. Just a day or two after reality set in for most of the Unites States…
You know, the one thing that got me through that plane journey home was thinking: okay, this is just a little bump in the road. It is inconvenient, but I’ll move on. Life will suck for a bit. But I’ll start work again to distract myself. I’ll find an amazing summer internship before senior year that’ll make me forget I ever went through this mess. It’s funny – and yet totally, completely not at all – how quickly these “givens” (aka job opportunities, senior years, etc) were taken away from me and millions across the world. I should think myself lucky, really. I was able to go back to my retail job here at home. I agreed to start working again before anyone realized how desperate the situation would become in the States. Needless to say, there is all kinds of guilt and confusion attached to showing up to work every day. Am I making it seem okay for people to be out in public? Should I quit? How can a quit a job that has graciously given me employment in the middle of this economic crisis? Can I mentally handle this workload? Do I even need a job right now? What if I get sick? What if I get someone else sick?
So here I am: working full time in a job that feels equal parts helpful and harmful, while attending virtual lectures in Italy, while trying with all of my dwindling might to feel like a normal freaking 21 year-old. As the title of this post suggests, it’s not going well for me. I’m sure many of you feel the same. I can’t say anything that will make it feel better. I guess I hope this post shows you that you’re not alone in being angry, scared, or confused.
